| I have tried to continuously improve myself such that eventually these common human pains that I, and many others suffer, would be relieved at last. Perhaps, I will improve my body; then, of course I will feel better. I will do my best on these final exams. I will feel better. I will break up with this girl; the freedom and space are sure to be what I need. I'll quit school. I'll focus on music. I'll cut my hair, buy new clothes, improve my social abilities. I'll be better, better, better. Better. And when does it end? When do I get to say, "Hey, you know what, I'm good enough."
Because when I say that, it is both a propeller and a hindrance. I am happy. My social interactions improve. But, I don't get any better. No improvement. And when this realization has finally materialized for me, the cycle has already rebooted itself.
So I do not know whether I can advocate the whole, "I am good enough" attitude. Or even the "Be the best you" attitude. And I'm not sure there is a healthy medium. Because the mindsets all result in unsettling feelings, no matter how far to the middle you go. Does it make life interesting? Or a pain in the asshole.
No one can be sure. Hmm.
One thing that I do know, is that, I think, at least, (so I do not know), I would like to be with someone. It's a tragedy, how selective I am. It does me absolutely no good, whatsoever. Standards? For what?
I have been writing new songs lately. There is one lyric, that I have as a starting point, but I am not sure where it will go yet. It is as follows: "Hey, tell him to go home."
For me, this sparks all kinds of possible feelings and stories. Jealousy? Love? Uncertainty! Oh. no. Possibilities. Man, I was never one for choices. This is why I spend a lot of money on Chipotle. Very few choices, all delicious. I applied to one college. Then, when I wanted to get out of that hell hole, I applied to one other.
One sad thing for me, is that when I am listening to other performers, I am never able to just enjoy it. I listen to other performers as a performer. I listen in terms of what I could take from the music as a lesson for myself. What is missing in my own music? Something , certainly. But hey, I want to just one day be okay with where I am, and not have that change. Though, I realize, this is naturally impossible. |
